I'm on a plane again, this time I'm headed to Bali.
So naturally it's time for a blog update. I was listening to a Ferry Corsten mix, Creamfields, and it opened with a song I can't quite identify without the Internet on standby. It's a bloody solid tune, Father, I think it's called.
Anyway, it opened with a some lyrics. They went something like this:
"Brother, and sister, tell me how you're feeling..."
Then it continues, the lyric that really resonated with me was a bit later, it went:
"...one million miles away from home, one million miles away from love..."
It got me thining, because this is how I felt last Saturday. Sitting at home, gaming on my beloved Xbox 360, I was hit with an overwhelming sense of homesickness. It was massive. I know it comes and goes, but this was an overpowering wave. I say wave now because it passed, but at the time it was all that I could think about. It was so strong that I found myself searching on realestate.com.au for apartments I could rent in Melbourne, and then it ebbed away.
I spoke to my sister a bit later, not about that, but the exchange put my mind at ease.
Wow. Where did it come from? Will it come again? Will I be ready for it? I've done some self-reflection since and spoken to my friends openly about it. What's been stewing in my head is two things, the first is that my reasons for being away from home are no longer the same as they once were. I left what I consider to be my home city for a media gig in Sydney. I needed to build up my credentials before I return, I told myself. And build is what I have done. I could walk into a media job in Melbourne now.
The second, more subconscious reason, is that it's the only place I've been in love. I'm not disputing that love can be found in many places, and there are cliches about it coming when you least look for it, but I'm getting kind of lonely doing my own thing. One thing that travelling to places like Tokyo and Pai have told me is that it would be amazing to have someone to share it with.
I've had dalliances, with both sexes, and as enjoyable as its been I'm kind of sick of short-term exchanges. In the gay world, there are guys that scour the sites specifying that they are after a LTR (long-term relationship) - I used to scoff at this. You don't simply state that you are looking for a long-term relationship, it happens naturally. Yet I can relate to how they're feeling now and share their sense of perspective to a degree.
This is no woe-betide-me tale. It's merely what has happened over the past few weeks.
Another thing that's been happening over the past few weeks is book progression. I'm editing what I've compiled thus far pen-and-paper-style. It will also help me with the structure, as I can rearrange pages and portions as I see fit. There's something soothing about doing this too.
That's my plane blog, I'm about to land and catch up with an old work colleague who also doubles as a great bloke, to say I'm looking forward to catching up is an understatement.
I'm going to leave you with a compliment that I received from a friend this week, that not only has me smiling, but had me nodding in agreeance about a succinct summation of my attitude:
"I like that you are always you, and don't give a damn about treading in people's toes or caring what people might think <3"
So I'm having a weepy blog entry about homesickness and being lonely. If you don't like it you can go fuck yourself.